Lately, my nocturnal sleep has been made short by my awakening thoughts. My belly feels famished but my mind is full with food of thoughts. My inconsistency is killing me and I still don’t know where my place is on God’s earth, yet it’s been 26 years now.
Family and friends look up to me, I always deliver. I provide for all I hold dear to my heart. I am the man with a plan, I have had a plan since 19. People are quick to think you have life figured when you go from grass to grace in a similar fashion. Only few would tell you that opportunity is what separates us all. Because in the end, we are not all so different. Many teary nights, I laid in a bed of bewilderment. In today’s world, a man can only cry in silence.
My last relationship scarred me deep. 6 years after, I have yet to date again. Has no one been worth it all these times? Or am I lacking in worth? When my heart was involved, I was played. When my heart was merely a card, I was the player. In my heart, there’s only room for one more relationship, it’s love or never.
Although I keep a tally, only God knows where my body has been. Somehow, I have paid for every carnal encounter I have experienced. The more I learned about my body, the less I knew about my soul. My demons thrive the most when I fall deep into depression, so I vent through another naked body. I have known the warmth in the bosom of many women, none satisfactory enough to have me settle. Little value is put on platonic affairs.
I lose myself too many times, my ambition and God have brought me this far in life and will keep my feet going. To rise every morning and believe in your dreams is a gift a few men have. The older I grow, the more I lose count of the times I questioned the reasons I strive. My white-collar job legitimately earned me blood money and left my soul on the corporate ladder. Yes, I am greedy because once I had nothing. I want it all, yet, little interest me. All the money in this world will make me happy only if my loved ones are happy. However, I wonder if my joy will be the same when my achievements are a thing of the past.
The weak pray out loud, the strong pray in their hearts. God answers all prayers differently, I am neither strong nor weak. The western world molded me into a hard worker & made me less of a praying believer. I love but can’t face God. I am full of shame because I am covered in his blessing. Some believe me to be an atheist but I am just a man at war with God. Don’t blame me for falling in love with the only world I have been exposed to.
I am not suicidal, I am incapable of taking my own precious life. I have no major problems, just minor challenges. I have a lot to live for, after all, I am young and full of potential. My spirit beckons for a break, maybe an escape from reality. Reality is overwhelmingly tiring. I would dive into the pool of oblivion; to forget how confused I am about the next steps in my life even though I look as ready as a soldier, to numb this feeling of numbness from all my successes and to become that naive lover again. Life is all a feeling and love is its greatest.
Let me vent, it’s the best I can do. My actions have failed me.
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